


Retail Therapy

by CousinSerena



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Cake, Fluff and Humor, M/M, Post-Episode: Good Omens: Lockdown, Shopping, Shopping addiction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-07
Updated: 2020-05-07
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:14:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24058822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CousinSerena/pseuds/CousinSerena
Summary: My own Good Omens Lockdown fic. Aziraphale has a change of heart and decides to surprise Crowley by taking a cake over to his flat, only to find his friend in front of the TV surrounded by a maze of boxes and bags. It seems Crowley’s found something to do after all.
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Comments: 38
Kudos: 86
Collections: Good Omens Lockdown fics, Most Favs





	Retail Therapy

**Author's Note:**

> This popped into my head when I remembered how I dealt with recovering at home after a minor surgery, and became a little too fascinated with the home shopping channel. Even with online shopping, there’s something about those TV hosts displaying their wares. I figured Crowley would be sucked in for sure.
> 
> Shades of shopping addiction, so mind the tags.

Aziraphale had rung off the phone with Crowley yesterday, and now he was having pangs of regret. Crowley had sounded so disheartened.

He’d sent those would-be burglar lads home with baked goods, but he still had several cakes, each only missing one or several slices. Here he’d given his delicious baked goods to criminals, while poor Crowley sat in his barren Mayfair flat clearly bored and alone.

The more Aziraphale thought of his friend pining in solitude, resorting to napping the next two months away, the more ashamed he felt. True, he needed to avoid setting a bad example to the humans, but surely he could wear a mask and take a cake over to a friend in need? Nobody would really notice. He could even pretend he was one of those food delivery chaps, like the ones that brought him his sushi order every other day. 

That was it. He resolved that he would go. He wasn’t actually endangering anyone, and he was performing a service, if one looked at it the right way. He was taking food to a lonely soul in need of comfort. He’d go straightaway, before Crowley got too settled in with his nap. 

He deliberated over which cake to take, and finally settled on a cheery looking lemon bundt, which only had a slice taken out of it. He had a cake holder and he found a large handled bag which, if any humans looked closely, would find the Deliveroo logo on it. With that, he put on his tartan mask and left for Mayfair.

He cleared his throat and knocked at the door, expecting Crowley to answer in a flash out of sheer desperation for interaction. He waited a few moments and when Crowley did _not_ fling the door open in happiness, he tried again. When he didn’t answer after a second knock, Aziraphale let himself in with a minor miracle. Perhaps the poor dear was already asleep? 

He stepped through the door, and nearly tripped on a large parcel sitting in the middle of the hallway floor. What in blazes was it doing there? 

But he soon had his answer. It was on the floor because the counters and tables were already piled with other parcels and bulging padded envelopes, of various sizes. Some were opened and the contents still inside, and in the kitchen were some of the partially unpacked items stacked on the countertop. As Aziraphale stepped further into the flat, he could see there were little stacks of boxes everywhere, in various stages of unpacking. 

There were clothes, boots and appliances, including a slow cooker. Did Crowley cook? There was a set of wine glasses, a hand held vacuum, and most incredibly, a boxed set of holiday lights marked _Christmas in Spring_ , amongst other things.

Aziraphale heard voices coming from the living room. Crowley’s and... _a woman’s?_ But the demon was meant to be alone. He frowned, confused.

He approached the sitting area slowly, and the voices grew louder.

“ _Carol,_ ” he heard the woman say brightly, “ _let’s see this gorgeous wrap in the purple. If you’re just joining us, ladies, I’m Mona and this is Carol and this is the Bargain Couture Hour. Isn’t that a divine shade on Carol? Purple is the color of royalty, after all--_ ”

Then Crowley’s voice. “Oh, give it a rest, Mona. Carol, that’s hideous on you. Let’s see the green again, then.”

Aziraphale stepped into the room and gasped.

The demon was parked in an impossible configuration of limbs on his industrial black leather sofa. There was a half empty wine bottle and a glass on the floor. One hand clutched his phone and the other the TV remote. More boxes and bags were strewn about the place. His entire flat looked like a warehouse.

“Crowley! What in blazes?” 

Crowley whipped his head around in surprise at Aziraphale’s voice. “Angel! I didn’t hear you come in.” He sat up, his face breaking into a grin. “You changed your mind? Great, I’ll get more wine. Take a seat, you’ll like the next bit after Mona and Carol. It’s gonna be _Home Essentials for Spring_.”

On the television were two immaculately groomed women. The blonde one with the outdated bouffant hairdo was modelling a hideous purple hooded cape with rhinestone buttons. This must be Carol. Mona, in the sleek brunette bob, was holding up a large black handbag.

“Crowley, what is this? What are all these packages? Surely you aren’t ordering that purple cape?” he asked, seeing Crowley frantically typing away on his cellular phone.

“It’s the Shopping Channel, angel. These are just a few things I’ve ordered,” he said, waving in the general direction of the boxes, which were everywhere. “And of course I’m not ordering the purple cape.”

“Oh, thank Heaven--”

“I’m ordering the green one. Better with my hair, don’t you think?” He finished placing his order. 

Crowley frowned, really looking at Aziraphale for the first time. “Wot? Something wrong? You look like you’ve had a shock. What’s in the bag there?”

Aziraphale realized he was still holding the bag with the cake. “Er, lemon bundt. Crowley, honestly. What on Earth have you been ordering?”

“Wha--well, all _sorts_ of things honestly. Things I didn’t even _realize_ I needed. I was going to take my nap, but then I started channel surfing, and next thing you know…” he trailed off. “I mean, internet shopping is all well and good, but when you see things properly demonstrated on the TV it brings everything to life, so to speak. Did you see the wine glasses?” he asked eagerly.

“Yes, I did. And the shoes, and holiday decorations--really, Crowley, you don’t even like Christmas--and the handheld vacuum. One of those Room Bot thingies would have been more useful than that, you know.”

“Roomba, angel. They’re called Roombas.” Crowley shrugged. “Maybe if one comes up for sale. Anyway, glad you changed your mind. Make yourself at home. So, cake?” he asked, nodding at the bag Aziraphale was holding. Lemme bust out the new wine glasses. Nothing like a bit of Pinot to go with one’s cake, eh angel?”

He hit _Pause_ on the remote and leapt up off the sofa with surprising energy.

“Wait till you see these beauties, angel, they just came today.”

He extracted one of the glasses from the opened box and held it up for Aziraphale to see. He grasped the stem in one hand, and with the other began caressing the glass in the most bizarre manner as he described it. He ran his fingers over the rim, and held it in various angles as he spoke. 

“Notice the quality of the glass, angel. They’re the finest crystal...yet as beautiful as they are, they’re chip resistant and dishwasher safe. They’ll add a touch of elegance to the table, don’t you think? It was a true bargain, and because I called straightaway, I also received this wine bottle opener. I tell you, this set will be perfect for any dinner party.” 

Crowley sounded as though he were reciting something from memory. His expression was quite earnest, and Aziraphale thought his serpentine eyes had taken on a glassy look. 

“You don’t have dinner parties, Crowley.” Aziraphale’s voice shook. Thank Heaven he’d arrived when he did. His friend was clearly beginning to lose his mind from the isolation. 

“Look here, my dear, you’ve obviously been sitting here in front of the television for some time. Perhaps you need a bit of a lie down. Or we could play a friendly game of chess, or Whist or something. Perhaps turn the TV off? Hmm?” 

Crowley looked stunned, as though he’d suggested he quit drinking, or join a church choir. 

“Angel, I _have_ to watch _Home Essentials for Spring_ . And you should, too. _All_ the new garden and kitchen things are debuting. Here, come on then. Join me. You like kitchen goods. I’ll pour the wine, you cut some cake and we’ll watch just for a bit. Then we can do whatever you like, I swear.”

“Crowley, you seem a bit agitated. Are you certain…”

But the demon was already getting another glass out and pouring the wine. At least his hands weren’t trembling, as far as Aziraphale could see. Perhaps he should sit with him a bit, gently ease him into the idea of turning the set off after the _Home Essentials_ bit. He didn’t want to risk agitating Crowley further in this state, or he might be purchasing a house boat next.

They settled themselves on the sofa--Crowley holding the remote in one hand, wineglass in the other. Aziraphale started in on his slice of bundt. He took little sidelong glances at Crowley, who sat with rapt attention. 

Mona and Carol had made their exit, and now it was Lisa and Chet on camera, in the kitchen.

Chet was a cheery round-faced man currently gesturing at a set of bakeware. 

“ _Lisa, now who doesn’t love to bake? I have here the perfect set of glass pans, they belong in the kitchen of any serious baker, if you want your cakes, your casseroles, your pies to come out of the oven perfect every time ...._ ”

“Oi, you see, angel?” Crowley gestured excitedly at the screen. “Oven perfect. Every. Single. Time.”

“Yes, dear,” Aziraphale sighed. He patted the demon gently on the shoulder and humored him by looking at the television politely. 

“ _Lisa, look at the quality of the glass. These dishes come in sizes for every baking need, even a loaf pan. Can you believe it? It really is a complete set._ ” 

The dishes gleamed under the studio kitchen lighting. 

“Oh my,” said Aziraphale. He did have to admit it was a rather nice looking set of bakeware. 

Lisa held a square glass baking dish up to the camera. “ _Not only that, Chet, but the entire set is dishwasher safe and each one comes with a locking lid for easy serving and storage…_ ”

Lisa held up the sturdy silicone lid, which came in a lovely shade of orange that complimented her nail lacquer, and she pressed it onto the glass pan with a satisfying snap. It fit perfectly. And _every single dish_ had a matching lid.

Aziraphale sat back and pondered. His ovenware _was_ a bit dated. Perhaps he could treat himself just this once. 

He grabbed his wine glass absentmindedly and sipped as he listened to Lisa and Chet. Shouldn’t he really have the best bakeware possible? And the matching lids. They just _snapped_ into place. It was rather tempting. After all, he was getting serious about his baking. The right tools for the right job, as they say.

He swallowed and loosened his bow tie nervously. He was trying to resist temptation. But then they started taking calls from the viewing audience.

Someone named Andrea was calling in to comment on the pans. “ _Hi, Lisa and Chet, I’m watching you from here in Guildford, and I just love your show. I’ve just ordered my set of pans and I’m so thrilled--_ ”

Crowley turned to Aziraphale and put his hand on his arm. “Look at me, angel. Aziraphale. _Look me in the eyes_ . You _know_ you want them. Do you want Andrea from Guildford to have the set and not you? C’mon, angel, just one purchase. You _neeeed_ the best dishes for your baking, and here they are. I know you’re a little nervous, it’s your first time. I’ll help you. I’ll even place the order for you.”

“Stop trying to tempt me, you fiend.” 

But the sentiment was half-hearted. He needed these pans, he knew it in his heart. Crowley was right, demon or no. Lisa and Chet were now gesturing toward a table of baked goods in the beautiful glass pans. Brownies, cakes, casseroles … they all looked so scrummy. He could make all those dishes if he had the right bakeware.

“ _Now ladies and gentlemen_ ,” said Chet, “ _this deal will not last long. It’s a limited time offer, and if you call right now you will receive, as a special gift, this set of biscuit cutters…”_

It was too much for him. What if Lisa and Chet ran out before he called? And now there would be biscuit cutters as well. 

He was perspiring now. He could fight temptation no longer.

“Crowley,” moaned Aziraphale, beginning to squirm. “ _Please._ I need ... I need…”

“What do you need, Angel? I’ll take care of you. Do you want me to order them?” asked Crowley gently. 

Aziraphale nodded. “Yes, dear. Would you?” He gazed at Crowley with longing in his blue eyes.

“I’ve got you, angel. I’ve got you,” Crowley soothed. He picked up the phone and his fingers flew over the keypad.

Aziraphale sighed, his relief washing over him. He felt euphoric.

“Crowley, thank you. You were incredible. And the best part is, I still have my package to look forward to. Oh, wait. Which address did you--”

“I ordered it to be sent here. Hope it’s okay. Why don’t you shelter in place with me for a few days, angel?”

“Well, I--I don’t know, my dear, it’s not what we’re supposed to do …”

“Angel, you’ve already come here with cake. You and I are safe. You have ovenware coming. And besides, tomorrow morning it’s _Home Library_ with Patricia and Steve.” 

“ _Home Library_ ,” breathed Aziraphale. 

Crowley took Aziraphale’s hand and squeezed it lightly, and nodded at the TV. Lisa was now modelling a bright yellow floral apron with pockets. Lovely yet functional.

“Look, angel. _Aprons_. You need a new one.” He pointed at the set. “That one would look great on you. You know, it would just bring out your eyes.”

“Oh, Crowley.” Aziraphale blushed, squeezing Crowley’s hand back. And then the two celestial beings settled in together on the sofa. 


End file.
